Fall Means / Poem From Autumn College Days

Fall means

Falling down,

Picking up the pieces,

Oh, there are so many pieces.

I will lay here on the colorful quilt that they make.

Comforting familiarity,

The pain of loss,

The memories locked in beauty and wonder,

Of sadness.

But as short days turn into a bustle of new growth,

I will stash these away,

Until next year.

And I will remember a new iteration,

Sprawling out in groves.

Collard Green Love

2 collard green wraps sitting on a blue and white plate on yellow grass. One wrap is halfway eaten, showing the contents inside.

My top two vegetables of the summer are purple beans and collard greens. I did not know these magical, vibrant, crisp, nourishing, and refreshing veggies existed until a summer a couple years ago that I started being intentional about eating seasonally and buying from local farmers (thank you Bremerton Farmers Market & Kitsap Food Co-op!).

As a kid, I loved making my own wraps. My go too fillings were cream cheese, turkey lunch meat or chicken, sprouts, and ranch. Since then, my body has developed some food sensitivities and I don’t feel great when I eat corn, wheat/gluten, or dairy (at least in the U.S., dairy and corn in Mexico has been fine with my system). So, one reason I love collard greens is because they are great substitutes for tortillas! I stuffed these wraps (pictured) with vegan cream cheese, cuban refried black beans, ham lunch meat, grated radish, and smokey kale sour kraut. And they are SO GOOD! If I had a food truck, another version of this that I would have in the kids (of all ages) category of the menu would be kale or collard pb&j wraps. The combination of nut butter + jam with a hearty green is so yummy! I recommend raspberry jam.

There is an endless array of possibilities for wrap varieties, I would love to know what you make and your favorite vegetables based on the season!

When depression sneaks in

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About two weeks ago now, my friend asked me “how are you” the simple question that often goes unnoticed, but on certain occasions wakes one up to their reality of not doing good or fine, woke me up on this day. My sweet friend was asking how I was doing in the midst of my looming transition from one city another, from jobs and routines I love, to starting graduate school. 

Later that day as I was taking inventory of myself, I realized that I was not okay and had been feeling off for quite a chunk of time (it had been a month since I last put meaningful words to paper, and the ones that were on the page stated “I feel depressed as a human. Maybe it’s not depression but I feel like a depressed version of Breanne, like I’m not fully here.”) In my Breanne ways, I keep my life pretty full. I tend to go with weeks on end where I don’t have a free day. As a recovering workaholic/busier, I am better prepared now to build margins into my life. But this tendency to over schedule, added with my conflict avoidant personality equates to not emotionally checking in with myself. Oftentimes, I don’t know how I feel until my emotions have built up and can no longer be contained. Again, this is something I am working on and have seen really good progress on over these last 5+ years of my life. With this in mind, I thought I would share some tools and things that I keep in mind when I am feeling wonky.

-My first step is usually to call my mom or my sister. Journaling is also a helpful step, but usually I am super busy so I don’t make time to journal or I subconsciously know that something is off, so I am avoiding journaling. One weird thing about me is that it is extremely difficult for me to cry alone. So even if I get good things on paper, I need to verbalize the challenges on my mind in order to get some emotions out.

-My mantra through this process is be gentle with yourself. My mom did an outstanding job of teaching me over and over to be my own best friend (give yourself the messages you would give to your friend, be kind, you are growing which is a messy process). She has reminded me throughout my college experience and in young adulthood to be extra gentle with myself because the process of growth, change, and transition are messy and difficult.

In this past occasion of depression clouds, I could not get out of bed the morning after I had started to process my sadness of my impending move. I was laying in bed and thoughts came creeping in of “well, it’s not really worth it, it’s only one day, you won’t be missed, it will be weird if you show up late” but to those negative voices I was gentle with myself and spoke truth. I got out of bed at the same time my work started, sent a quick text to my boss, and got myself ready and out the door. I could have easily missed going into work, but I said no to continuing the spiral of untrue thoughts and did not feel any shame about going to work late (thankful that I have a job that I feel supported in). And guess what, that day was a wonderful day! Sun after grey days. 

-In my gentleness to myself, I go with the flow in my scheduling. This might mean I add in a walk on the beach, cancel an event, write a letter to a friend, go eat out (which is a special occasion for me). Anything that helps me take a pause and get grounded. Through these times, I am grateful to get to remember to enjoy the simple wonders of life (soaking in the sun on my face, feeling the power of the wind, talking to strangers) and rediscover our beautiful shared humanity.

One aspect I want to improve on is checking in with myself more frequently as a preventative step. When I am well emotionally, I am well to other people and have more capacity to provide for people, help carry burdens, and just be.

The depressive feelings that I experience are often tied to concrete events, lies or confusion I am believing, or  overall just not checking in with myself emotionally. I have people that are close to me that experience depression that lasts long after they have identified any imbalance in their life. I am here for you. We need to hold each other and care for one another in all of our various needs and experiences.

I am beyond grateful for tools and network of support that I have been able to gain and practice. It brings me back to my first year in college, where I was in school full time, building my community, working two jobs, and figuring out how finances functioned. I thought I was doing great until I went home to my mom’s house for winter break and had a full blown breakdown complete with thoughts of not wanting to live anymore. I am so thankful to my mother who continually is there when I need her, and so humbly coaches me through tough times.

If you ever want to talk more about navigating real and messy feelings, let me know. I am always open for that. Let’s take care of each other. Check in, send love, pray, be there.

 

01/14/2019

~I found a letter while organizing my room that got sent back to me after I put it in the mail (due to a certain lovely trait of my friend to give me the slightly wrong address, haha). I don’t journal consistently but find that writing letters are when some of my best recounting and most clear thinking takes place. This letter was a fun capsule in time to one year ago as I prepared for my birthday.~

Dear Tressa,

Today there was a blanket of fog that fit snugly around the hills and buildings in Olympia. It lifted during the day and we had marvelous, warm sunshine. Then, as it got dark, the fog came back, tucking us into comfort. The fog reminded me of you. How you appreciate crisp fall days and fog. I want you and Matthew to live near me so I can take photos of you all the time. I don’t know if you ever went to Nisqually Park but it has a super long board walk that goes over swampland that connects freshwater to the Salish Sea (puget sound). Ice of my photoshoot dreams would be to have a couple – the gal in a really long, flow gown, and the guy in a sharp suit with dramatic fog and them on the boardwalk.

Right now, I am in the pottery studio waiting for class to start and I am having lots of fun! It’s nice to be able to get out of class and come spend a couple hours throwing bowls and then go study some more. Also, my aunt Catherine and I are going to a natural dyeing workshop on my birthday! We get to learn a lot and then dye a silk scarf. I’m really excited to learn about natural dyeing tips and tricks. Along that thought train, of crafts, I am also going to develop the roll of film that I just finished by taking photos of Emily’s sister and her fiancé. I love all the crafts!! Maybe I will be a public school teacher for a bit, then become a teacher at an inclusive artist collective and use art to teach history and engage students to be involved in making history (:

This past weekend I definitely recognized some depression that I am going through so I am taking extra time to take care of myself and be gentle.

Well, I love you lots and I so happy that we get to be knit together in this life! I can’t wait to see you in February! (Is everything still working out with that?)

Peace&Joy,

Breanne Estelle

P.S. I am doing a birthday hike to Lake 22 for my 22nd birthday hehe. Then we will eat food in Seattle. I love birthdays.

HAVE A GOOD DAY

HOPE YOU DON’T SLIP ON ICE

*~2019 Recap~*

2019 has zipped by and has been full of joy! Being in my young adult years, there are many transitions and looming life decisions that can cause uneasiness but luckily, I have been feeling more able to trust in the process of life and have peace, knowing that everything will work out in God’s timing and provision.

In my last year at the Evergreen State College, I had fun working as Speedy the Geoduck (our mascot). A highlight was getting to unicycle while in my costume at a basketball game! I was in a program titled “The Spanish-Speaking World” where we studied the history of Central and Latin America as well as learned Spanish and ethnography. In April, I got to study abroad with half my class in Mérida, México. I lived with the most sweet and energetic host family and got to room with one of my classmates! 

Living in Mérida was amazing. There is an endless amount of things that I could say but I will mention a few. First, we were there from April to June, which is the hot season, so it was almost 100 degrees everyday. One day, I had to rush to get to my volunteer internship at Edúcate (an academic support program for low-income youth) so I was jogging to the bus stop in 105 degree heat, wearing jeans! That was too hot!! My body did thrived with the daily detox from sweating out my toxins and all the vitamin D from the sun I was taking in. Plus, whenever I got too hot, I ate ice cream to cool down so I was living in luxury! Also, the few times it rained were glorious – I danced in the street and got splashed by cars going through ginormous puddles in the flooded roads. 

We went on three excursions to different areas of the Yucatán peninsula as a class. We visited organizations that work to empower Indigenous knowledge and voices, sustainability, environmental and economic justice, education, and community activism. In one field trip, we went on a tour of a local permaculture farm and right as we stepped out of the van we got to witness a mama cow giving birth! Then, we learned about the native melipona bees that produce honey rich with medicinal properties and don’t have stingers. These bees are vulnerable to the types of bees brought over when México was colonized, but a different native species of bees that also don’t have stingers, will fight the colonizer bees on behalf of the melipona bees. Within the community organizations we saw, there was the same type of interconnectedness and joining together to support indigenous voices, ways of life, and revitalization of culture.

When I got back to the states in June, I graduated from Evergreen State College with a Bachelor’s in Arts focused in Ethnic Studies and Education. I am so grateful for my time at Evergreen! I moved back to my hometown of Bremerton, WA, which is located on the ancestral and current lands of the Suquamish, Duwamish, Kalallam, and Twana/Skokomish peoples, into my Lola and Lolo’s (grandparents) house and started an amazing summer job. I got to be a camp counselor for an outdoor education camp, put on by the Great Peninsula Conservancy, for middle schoolers coming from marginalized backgrounds. Every Tuesday and Thursday I would pick the students up in a Kitsap Transit van and we would go to a location in Kitsap county to explore and learn about our community, history, and ecology. My most special day was on the lowest tide of the year, we went down and explored the beach. All across the shore, the students squealed with delight and shouted for me to come see what they had found! It was so fun to see their tough exteriors fall away and their childlike wonder come out. My students were such a blessing!

Currently, I am a nanny to the best 5 and 2 year old on my block. We enjoy going to the park, doing crafts, pretending we are monsters, and reading books. It is so fun to watch them grow and experience the wonders of the world. Just last week, we got soaked from head to toe splashing in the rain puddles, something I would not decide to do on my own, but laughed a lot in the freedom of being in the moment. I am also an AVID tutor in the high school and middle school. I work with small groups of students to build college and career ready skills like collaboration, organization, and practice working through challenges in their content material.

I was accepted to the Secondary Master’s in Teaching program at the University of Washington! I now have to decide between that program (which starts in April) and a graduate program in outdoor education at IslandWood in Bainbridge Island, WA (which starts in August). Please pray for wisdom in choosing the right next step!

One awesome thing this year has been receiving flight benefits from my Uncle David who is a flight attendant. This means I can fly super cheap on standby. I have gotten to connect with my Great Aunt Bette in Florida, visit friends in Chicago, Colorado, and different parts of California. I have also been having fun making silly magnets out of clay. They are being sold in my local co-op, which I love! I enjoy getting to walk around and ride my unicycle everywhere, going to workout classes at the YMCA, and all the yummy food places in Bremerton. I am soaking up the solace of this in between school time in my life.

I hope to start the tradition of writing a recap every year and then, when I am an old-timer, I can look back over the years as a way to record the history of my life and share those stories with others. I am so thankful for the support and love I have from my family, friends, and community. Thank you all for the love, laughs, and time spent together this past year! I am excited to journey together this next year. Happy 2020!

 

Peace and Joy,

Breanne ☺

 

P.S. The photo of me was taken by my friend Rebekah on the day of my graduation party!

Avocado Dye Bath Process

I was introduced to natural dyeing through a workshop with KD Bird last January. We got to arrange different fresh and dried plants on silk (like madder root, purple cabbage, and turmeric, to name a few), then we wrapped our scarves up tight, and Katie steamed them in a pot for about 30 minutes. Opening the scarves up was akin to the wonder of a child opening a Christmas present as all the colors blended and swirled together, adding to the patterns that we all worked in.

From that workshop, I was interested in experimenting more with natural dyeing but didn’t necessarily have the time or money to research where people buy natural dye in the powder form, and was a little intimidated by mordants and fixers that some dyes need to be more vibrant or become light-fast (aka don’t fade as fast in the sun). But during the workshop, Katie mentioned that the skins and pits of avocados can be used to dye fabric pink!! Also, because avocados contain a high level of tannins (which act to bond the dye to the fibers) mordants aren’t needed! So I started saving my avocado pits to use for a new purpose. It was a good thing I lived in a house with 4 other avocado eating roommates at that time!

My basis of knowledge of natural dying is from Katie and all the other tips and tricks I have learned from experimenting, so please know that I might be wrong and am still learning!

FIBERS

Natural dyeing is using plants and animals to make color on fabric. In the same way, the fabric that you are dyeing must also be plant (cellulose) or animal (protein) fiber. Fabric made of plastic (like polyester, spandex, etc.) do not hold natural dye.

Examples of cellulose fibers are cotton, linen (made from flax), and hemp. Rayon, modal, and tencel are fabrics made from wood pulp which is turned into fabric. To my knowledge, they will hold natural dye, and are considered to be plant-based fibers, even though they go through a manufactured process. Protein fibers include silk, wool, Angora rabbit fur, alpaca fur, and so on.

I buy all my clothes at second hand stores like Value Village and Goodwill. But through the 2 successful dye baths that I have done, I have noticed that most shirts tend to get ultra-pigmented splotches in the armpit areas. My prediction is that deodorant left on the shirt after washing acts as a mordant that sticks the dye molecules to the fabric.

With that said, I still buy second hand fabrics. Babies/kids don’t use deodorant so those are good, cardigans, new looking clothes, yards of fabric (but you usually have to guess what fiber they are truly made of) or shirts that you will cut up and alter.

Dharma Trading is a website that I know of that sells silk and other natural fibers that is a good resource for if you want to buy new or have something specific in mind.

PROCESS

  1. Store up some avocado pits! After you eat an avocado, simply clean the pit (a dish sponge works best for me) cut it into fourths, and put it in a container in the freezer. I have tried bothnfreezing the pits and simply drying the pits, but sadly, when I used dried pits, the color was super weak and was the shade of my naked, white body in the winter time.. not the beautiful, soft pink we are wanting!
  2. At the same time, be stashing away fabric to dye – white/non-dyed cellulose or protein fabric.
  3. Once you have enough pits and are ready to go, wash your fabric and then instead of drying it, put it in a bucket of water overnight (or even just for an hour). This allows for the fibers to be all the way soaked, which helps the dye do its thing and helps to make an even finish.
  4. Place your avocado pit in a large pot full of water (I use a pot typically used for canning jars, so it’s very large). You want to gently ease the color out of the seeds, so that means heating up the water on medium heat (try not to get a rolling bowl). Let it rest at a medium hot temperature for a little, then let it cool and do that process several times throughout the day. I usually pick a day where I will be around the house/in the same town so even if I take off the heat to run errands, I can still come home to turn the burner back on. Let these avocado seeds sit over night in the pot of water. The next morning, reheat up the dye bath and put the fabric that was soaking overnight in! Note: Some people take out the pits at this point to ensure a more even dye, but I just keep mine in. I’m not a perfectionist when it comes to dyeing and I feel like the more time the avo pits are in the pot, the more tannins and good stuff are happening.
  5. Repeat step 4, heating up (below a boil) and turning off the stove to let your clothes be with the dye, but make sure to stir your sopa de ropa (clothes soup) to get an even dye. If I have the time, I let my clothes sit in the pot over night, heat them up again in the morning to kill off any germs, then ring them out and line dry them. Note: avocado pits are full of surprises! First, they can dye fabric pink, and second, they smell like an earthly pine scent to my nostrils!
  6. After they are semi dry to dry, I run them through the washer machine with detergent and either line dry or machine dry them. And there you go! Revamped clothing in a precious, soft pink!

TIPS AND TRICKS

+I got to say, I don’t know a hard and fast rule about how many avocados to how much clothing. I usually just go for a full zip lock baggie = one large pot of water. In the last dye bath that I did, I dyed 3 adult sized t-shirts, 1 reusable bag, 1 onesie, 1 kid t-shirt, 1 large tea towel, 1 adult sweater, and a yard or so of silk cloth. So that’s A LOT of stuff that all came out with a nice rich color!

+There are a lot of factors that go into the final shade of pink that you get from the avocado pits. What type of avocados, how ripe they were, what type of minerals are in the water that you are using, etcetera. But in my opinion, all the shades are beautiful!

All in all, THANK YOU AVOCADO SEEDS!! Nature is amazing and if we listen and interact, we will learn.