I’m in the prime of my life. Someone, anyone, ask me out! đŸ–€

P.S. this is my early Valentine greeting for the year.

P.P.S. Shoutout to Rebekah for making me feel like a babe salad. Taken on my trusty Pentax K-1000 with Kodak ColorPlus 200 film.

When depression sneaks in

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About two weeks ago now, my friend asked me “how are you” the simple question that often goes unnoticed, but on certain occasions wakes one up to their reality of not doing good or fine, woke me up on this day. My sweet friend was asking how I was doing in the midst of my looming transition from one city another, from jobs and routines I love, to starting graduate school. 

Later that day as I was taking inventory of myself, I realized that I was not okay and had been feeling off for quite a chunk of time (it had been a month since I last put meaningful words to paper, and the ones that were on the page stated “I feel depressed as a human. Maybe it’s not depression but I feel like a depressed version of Breanne, like I’m not fully here.”) In my Breanne ways, I keep my life pretty full. I tend to go with weeks on end where I don’t have a free day. As a recovering workaholic/busier, I am better prepared now to build margins into my life. But this tendency to over schedule, added with my conflict avoidant personality equates to not emotionally checking in with myself. Oftentimes, I don’t know how I feel until my emotions have built up and can no longer be contained. Again, this is something I am working on and have seen really good progress on over these last 5+ years of my life. With this in mind, I thought I would share some tools and things that I keep in mind when I am feeling wonky.

-My first step is usually to call my mom or my sister. Journaling is also a helpful step, but usually I am super busy so I don’t make time to journal or I subconsciously know that something is off, so I am avoiding journaling. One weird thing about me is that it is extremely difficult for me to cry alone. So even if I get good things on paper, I need to verbalize the challenges on my mind in order to get some emotions out.

-My mantra through this process is be gentle with yourself. My mom did an outstanding job of teaching me over and over to be my own best friend (give yourself the messages you would give to your friend, be kind, you are growing which is a messy process). She has reminded me throughout my college experience and in young adulthood to be extra gentle with myself because the process of growth, change, and transition are messy and difficult.

In this past occasion of depression clouds, I could not get out of bed the morning after I had started to process my sadness of my impending move. I was laying in bed and thoughts came creeping in of “well, it’s not really worth it, it’s only one day, you won’t be missed, it will be weird if you show up late” but to those negative voices I was gentle with myself and spoke truth. I got out of bed at the same time my work started, sent a quick text to my boss, and got myself ready and out the door. I could have easily missed going into work, but I said no to continuing the spiral of untrue thoughts and did not feel any shame about going to work late (thankful that I have a job that I feel supported in). And guess what, that day was a wonderful day! Sun after grey days. 

-In my gentleness to myself, I go with the flow in my scheduling. This might mean I add in a walk on the beach, cancel an event, write a letter to a friend, go eat out (which is a special occasion for me). Anything that helps me take a pause and get grounded. Through these times, I am grateful to get to remember to enjoy the simple wonders of life (soaking in the sun on my face, feeling the power of the wind, talking to strangers) and rediscover our beautiful shared humanity.

One aspect I want to improve on is checking in with myself more frequently as a preventative step. When I am well emotionally, I am well to other people and have more capacity to provide for people, help carry burdens, and just be.

The depressive feelings that I experience are often tied to concrete events, lies or confusion I am believing, or  overall just not checking in with myself emotionally. I have people that are close to me that experience depression that lasts long after they have identified any imbalance in their life. I am here for you. We need to hold each other and care for one another in all of our various needs and experiences.

I am beyond grateful for tools and network of support that I have been able to gain and practice. It brings me back to my first year in college, where I was in school full time, building my community, working two jobs, and figuring out how finances functioned. I thought I was doing great until I went home to my mom’s house for winter break and had a full blown breakdown complete with thoughts of not wanting to live anymore. I am so thankful to my mother who continually is there when I need her, and so humbly coaches me through tough times.

If you ever want to talk more about navigating real and messy feelings, let me know. I am always open for that. Let’s take care of each other. Check in, send love, pray, be there.

 

*~2019 Recap~*

2019 has zipped by and has been full of joy! Being in my young adult years, there are many transitions and looming life decisions that can cause uneasiness but luckily, I have been feeling more able to trust in the process of life and have peace, knowing that everything will work out in God’s timing and provision.

In my last year at the Evergreen State College, I had fun working as Speedy the Geoduck (our mascot). A highlight was getting to unicycle while in my costume at a basketball game! I was in a program titled “The Spanish-Speaking World” where we studied the history of Central and Latin America as well as learned Spanish and ethnography. In April, I got to study abroad with half my class in MĂ©rida, MĂ©xico. I lived with the most sweet and energetic host family and got to room with one of my classmates! 

Living in MĂ©rida was amazing. There is an endless amount of things that I could say but I will mention a few. First, we were there from April to June, which is the hot season, so it was almost 100 degrees everyday. One day, I had to rush to get to my volunteer internship at EdĂșcate (an academic support program for low-income youth) so I was jogging to the bus stop in 105 degree heat, wearing jeans! That was too hot!! My body did thrived with the daily detox from sweating out my toxins and all the vitamin D from the sun I was taking in. Plus, whenever I got too hot, I ate ice cream to cool down so I was living in luxury! Also, the few times it rained were glorious – I danced in the street and got splashed by cars going through ginormous puddles in the flooded roads. 

We went on three excursions to different areas of the YucatĂĄn peninsula as a class. We visited organizations that work to empower Indigenous knowledge and voices, sustainability, environmental and economic justice, education, and community activism. In one field trip, we went on a tour of a local permaculture farm and right as we stepped out of the van we got to witness a mama cow giving birth! Then, we learned about the native melipona bees that produce honey rich with medicinal properties and don’t have stingers. These bees are vulnerable to the types of bees brought over when MĂ©xico was colonized, but a different native species of bees that also don’t have stingers, will fight the colonizer bees on behalf of the melipona bees. Within the community organizations we saw, there was the same type of interconnectedness and joining together to support indigenous voices, ways of life, and revitalization of culture.

When I got back to the states in June, I graduated from Evergreen State College with a Bachelor’s in Arts focused in Ethnic Studies and Education. I am so grateful for my time at Evergreen! I moved back to my hometown of Bremerton, WA, which is located on the ancestral and current lands of the Suquamish, Duwamish, Kalallam, and Twana/Skokomish peoples, into my Lola and Lolo’s (grandparents) house and started an amazing summer job. I got to be a camp counselor for an outdoor education camp, put on by the Great Peninsula Conservancy, for middle schoolers coming from marginalized backgrounds. Every Tuesday and Thursday I would pick the students up in a Kitsap Transit van and we would go to a location in Kitsap county to explore and learn about our community, history, and ecology. My most special day was on the lowest tide of the year, we went down and explored the beach. All across the shore, the students squealed with delight and shouted for me to come see what they had found! It was so fun to see their tough exteriors fall away and their childlike wonder come out. My students were such a blessing!

Currently, I am a nanny to the best 5 and 2 year old on my block. We enjoy going to the park, doing crafts, pretending we are monsters, and reading books. It is so fun to watch them grow and experience the wonders of the world. Just last week, we got soaked from head to toe splashing in the rain puddles, something I would not decide to do on my own, but laughed a lot in the freedom of being in the moment. I am also an AVID tutor in the high school and middle school. I work with small groups of students to build college and career ready skills like collaboration, organization, and practice working through challenges in their content material.

I was accepted to the Secondary Master’s in Teaching program at the University of Washington! I now have to decide between that program (which starts in April) and a graduate program in outdoor education at IslandWood in Bainbridge Island, WA (which starts in August). Please pray for wisdom in choosing the right next step!

One awesome thing this year has been receiving flight benefits from my Uncle David who is a flight attendant. This means I can fly super cheap on standby. I have gotten to connect with my Great Aunt Bette in Florida, visit friends in Chicago, Colorado, and different parts of California. I have also been having fun making silly magnets out of clay. They are being sold in my local co-op, which I love! I enjoy getting to walk around and ride my unicycle everywhere, going to workout classes at the YMCA, and all the yummy food places in Bremerton. I am soaking up the solace of this in between school time in my life.

I hope to start the tradition of writing a recap every year and then, when I am an old-timer, I can look back over the years as a way to record the history of my life and share those stories with others. I am so thankful for the support and love I have from my family, friends, and community. Thank you all for the love, laughs, and time spent together this past year! I am excited to journey together this next year. Happy 2020!

 

Peace and Joy,

Breanne â˜ș

 

P.S. The photo of me was taken by my friend Rebekah on the day of my graduation party!