About two weeks ago now, my friend asked me “how are you” the simple question that often goes unnoticed, but on certain occasions wakes one up to their reality of not doing good or fine, woke me up on this day. My sweet friend was asking how I was doing in the midst of my looming transition from one city another, from jobs and routines I love, to starting graduate school. 

Later that day as I was taking inventory of myself, I realized that I was not okay and had been feeling off for quite a chunk of time (it had been a month since I last put meaningful words to paper, and the ones that were on the page stated “I feel depressed as a human. Maybe it’s not depression but I feel like a depressed version of Breanne, like I’m not fully here.”) In my Breanne ways, I keep my life pretty full. I tend to go with weeks on end where I don’t have a free day. As a recovering workaholic/busier, I am better prepared now to build margins into my life. But this tendency to over schedule, added with my conflict avoidant personality equates to not emotionally checking in with myself. Oftentimes, I don’t know how I feel until my emotions have built up and can no longer be contained. Again, this is something I am working on and have seen really good progress on over these last 5+ years of my life. With this in mind, I thought I would share some tools and things that I keep in mind when I am feeling wonky.

-My first step is usually to call my mom or my sister. Journaling is also a helpful step, but usually I am super busy so I don’t make time to journal or I subconsciously know that something is off, so I am avoiding journaling. One weird thing about me is that it is extremely difficult for me to cry alone. So even if I get good things on paper, I need to verbalize the challenges on my mind in order to get some emotions out.

-My mantra through this process is be gentle with yourself. My mom did an outstanding job of teaching me over and over to be my own best friend (give yourself the messages you would give to your friend, be kind, you are growing which is a messy process). She has reminded me throughout my college experience and in young adulthood to be extra gentle with myself because the process of growth, change, and transition are messy and difficult.

In this past occasion of depression clouds, I could not get out of bed the morning after I had started to process my sadness of my impending move. I was laying in bed and thoughts came creeping in of “well, it’s not really worth it, it’s only one day, you won’t be missed, it will be weird if you show up late” but to those negative voices I was gentle with myself and spoke truth. I got out of bed at the same time my work started, sent a quick text to my boss, and got myself ready and out the door. I could have easily missed going into work, but I said no to continuing the spiral of untrue thoughts and did not feel any shame about going to work late (thankful that I have a job that I feel supported in). And guess what, that day was a wonderful day! Sun after grey days. 

-In my gentleness to myself, I go with the flow in my scheduling. This might mean I add in a walk on the beach, cancel an event, write a letter to a friend, go eat out (which is a special occasion for me). Anything that helps me take a pause and get grounded. Through these times, I am grateful to get to remember to enjoy the simple wonders of life (soaking in the sun on my face, feeling the power of the wind, talking to strangers) and rediscover our beautiful shared humanity.

One aspect I want to improve on is checking in with myself more frequently as a preventative step. When I am well emotionally, I am well to other people and have more capacity to provide for people, help carry burdens, and just be.

The depressive feelings that I experience are often tied to concrete events, lies or confusion I am believing, or  overall just not checking in with myself emotionally. I have people that are close to me that experience depression that lasts long after they have identified any imbalance in their life. I am here for you. We need to hold each other and care for one another in all of our various needs and experiences.

I am beyond grateful for tools and network of support that I have been able to gain and practice. It brings me back to my first year in college, where I was in school full time, building my community, working two jobs, and figuring out how finances functioned. I thought I was doing great until I went home to my mom’s house for winter break and had a full blown breakdown complete with thoughts of not wanting to live anymore. I am so thankful to my mother who continually is there when I need her, and so humbly coaches me through tough times.

If you ever want to talk more about navigating real and messy feelings, let me know. I am always open for that. Let’s take care of each other. Check in, send love, pray, be there.